Seeing Life Through Their Eyes

I lived in five states in the past six years. I spent 29 years in Illinois before making my first move – New York City. Since then, I spent time in Colorado, Texas, Arizona, and now I am in California for an indefinite period. I have driven over 30,000 miles in about 3 1/2 years. I visited the national parks in Utah, spent a night at the Red Rocks in Nevada, camped a week in Yosemite, and saw my first buffalo in South Dakota on vacations, drove to Texas for a job, stopped off in Skokie to see my parents, and then moseyed on back to my home in Denver. I have also had over a handful of jobs since leaving my full-time position in December of 2017. I worked on a food truck, cashiered in a restaurant, screened movies for a film festival, written articles for a real estate magazine, approved videographers and photographers for a city festival, completed spreadsheets and filing for a CPA (aka my mom), dog sat, swept debris from condos for a contractor, and learned to make reuben sandwiches in a food booth.

In 2012, I felt stagnant. I had worked at my office job since 2007, lived in the same apartment since 2006, and was still in my hometown. I never woke up depressed or dreading the day, but I wondered when changes would happen. I saw others around me find jobs that nourished their soul or make life changing decisions that put the widest smiles on their faces, while I continued living in my metaphorical box where I made sure I always knew what was coming to me. I chose comfort over risk. I wanted change, but was too scared to step outside that box.

I can still feel this way, and a lot of the time I still think I live my life this way, but through other people’s eyes, they tell me I am not like that at all and say how brave it is to have made all those changes, moved so many times, jumped into jobs and situations where the outcome was unknown. From my perspective, I do not see the bravery, nor do I see the excitement in it. I enjoy what I am doing today, but cannot step back from it and observe the beauty in it.

A few people who I am extremely close to have inspired me to write about it. Through their eyes, my travels are titillating and potentially inspiring. Through their eyes, I have done a lot and have a lot to share. Maybe it is my ego that prevents me from seeing the impact of the past six years, or that self-deprecating voice that pops up and says, “Write about your life? C’mon now. B-O-R-I-N-G.” I have found it is best not to listen to myself anyways. But I also know writing must be inspired from within, so here I begin.

My blog is my comfort zone. I began this blog back in 2010, where I sat in my apartment in Skokie, all by myself, watching 100 movies and writing reviews on them all in the course of six months. I worked, watched movies, and wrote, always knowing what the next day would hold. Today, I sit in an AirBNB with a man who I have known three years and is still so much a stranger to me, in a city I have never heard of before yesterday. I do not know where I am sleeping tomorrow night, how long I will be in California for, or where my next pay check will come from. The lack of the “knowns” does not make me consciously uncomfortable anymore, so maybe that is why I do not see this lifestyle as being worthy of writing about. But others say I am wrong in that regard, and more often than not, the influence from others is more accurate and powerful than that which comes from my own thoughts and insights. So, here I start in my comfort zone, writing about my changes, hoping it bleeds out into a Microsoft Word document that leads to multiple pages of brilliant writing on my life. A life I see as ordinary, but am trusting others will see as significant.

I had a dream about Zac Efron

No, not that kind of dream. This was me and Zac, and a crew, acting on the set of what I remember as a jungle/circus movie. I was constantly having to be propped on Zac’s shoulders while he was also standing atop another actor/stuntman. We were in a rainforest/jungle, but I suppose also some sort of circus environment. Maybe my brain went into “The Greatest Showman” Zac Efron role, though I have never seen that movie.

What I realized, and why I write this out, is I never fell off his shoulders and I remember in my dreams, I climbed down at least three to five times without falling, and with total trust. Upon waking, I ALSO realized I rarely have catastrophic dreams. Like the type where you fall off a building or get in a car crash or…whatever a common death dream is. I do have nightmares about people breaking in, but that has been happening since I was little and I write it off as just being a major fear of mine.

This may seem totally stupid and not like a realization at all to many. I didn’t fall off Zac Efron’s shoulders, big whoop, but for a woman who fears doing risky things and doesn’t trust herself much in the face of the unknown, that I can do these things in my dreams is wicked cool. I have never studied dreams in an educational way because I have never been compelled to do so. However, I do analyze my dreams as I see fit. For example, if someone random is in my dreams, I look to see if the day before, I thought about that person or something reminded me of him/her. Simple analysis. So, what does this dream mean in my own interpretation?

For one, I loved that I was acting. A friend did tell me to look into my dreams for what my next career move should be. I have taken no steps to do that, and no I do not plan to go into acting, but doing something for the public is in the forefront. I have said about ten times I should keep a dream journal by my head, but the one time I did it, I could not even read my chicken scratch the next day.

Secondly, this struck me because of noticing I rarely die in my dreams. That has to be a good thing, no? My dreams always tend to be really hopeful, and happy. Which is odd because I actually really like the nightmares that feel real. I used to wear a nicotine patch at night just to experience those vivid dreams.

Thirdly, as I said, I trusted and felt little fear. And that’s wicked cool.

And last, it gave me something to write about here, which I want to do more (as I probably have said a zillion times).

I am finally doing it…

It has been exactly three months since I last posted a blog. I was living in Austin at the time, nearly done with work there, and about to drive to Chicago to spend a few weeks helping my mom at work. I felt like a shell of myself in a sense because the job had just zapped a lot out of me. I want to go back and delete that sentence because how cliché is “a shell of myself,” but I guess it was true. Just was not as happy as normal and I was also talking to myself a lot, according to my coworker.

I am back in Denver now, and have been for about two months. When people ask me about my time in Austin, or ask me how Austin was, I say, “Not for me.” I am happy to be back in the state that fits me in a way I have never felt before. But I am also now faced with the reality of not having stable work, and it is odd, but so lovely at the same time.

About five weeks ago, someone mentioned to me the book ‘The Artist’s Way,’ which I already owned and had brought back to Denver from my parent’s house. I decided to crack it open and really go for it this time. It is a 12-week (I think) course full of writing assignments designed to bring out your inner creativity and inner passion (or at least this was my impression/hope). So, for the last four weeks, I have religiously written three pages every morning about whatever the heck is going on in my head when I wake up. Sometimes I do this within 10 minutes of waking up, and other times it takes me a couple of hours because I wake up in the middle of the night and watch movies or something versus writing immediately.

I have been wanting to write daily for months…or years…and I am finally back at it again. It feels really good, and also feels really slow. I have come up with a couple of ideas – write a book and be an emcee. An emcee of what? I don’t know. I just know I like being in front of people with a microphone. Anyone who knows me intimately knows I come up with all sorts of ideas for my life that upon seeing what that lifestyle would really be like, I lose interest immediately. Actress, flight attendant, English teacher, detective, chef, nurse, film critic, and lady wrestler, which still sounds appealing to me. I am kind of notorious for changing my mind in the career field, but I know it is just because I want to find that one thing that doesn’t feel like work when I do it and I have yet to find that.

What I keep coming across over these past few weeks is that idea that if I put my wants out there in the universe, I will get a return on my investment. But I also need to believe I can get it. I am hoping writing helps me with what these wants are because I can be very detached from myself. I no longer believe I need to figure out my life, or the one thing that will make me happy, but rather just my next step. I mean, I am in a step of my life now, but also feel like I am in this in-between too. It’s interesting, and different, and pretty cool, though I do have weekly (or daily) moments of monetary freak outs, but that is more about faith than reality at this point. And if I ever do come to the point I need to honestly worry about that, I will send out a want to the universe for a sugar daddy or winning lotto ticket because that is how this whole law of attraction thing works, right?

Nearly Done…

I am so close. I just have so much going on inside of me that I do not really know what to do with myself or where to start. Part of me wants to write and part of me wants to fall over and nap. Part of me wants to get in my car and just drive off, and part of wants to…well get in my car and just drive off, so I guess whole of me wants to do that.

I finished up at the festival yesterday, with the desk job portion of having to help people. We finished up with loading out today. The next week will be clean up, I guess, and then four-day weekend. Then I need to come back to the office for four more days (more clean up I suppose), and then I am getting in the car and driving off to my next point.

I went through a range of emotions on the drive from the office today to the house I am living. I guess not emotions, but thoughts. I started the car ride off hating Texas, saying I am so outta here, and singing along to AC/DC. Then I realized if I had not had this job, maybe Texas wasn’t so bad. Austin…super overrated and that opinion won’t change, but Texas as a whole, yes I am still interested in seeing more. Just not right now.

Right now, I just want to get out of here and move along to my next place: Chicago. Well, Skokie. I am ready to be done here. I guess I am also ready to be done with this blog because I ran out of things to write. Time to go write my dad and then lay in bed and binge watch Love.

Austin Update

In one month, I will be celebrating my last day of the festival. This does not mean my last day working here, but it will be the last day of the festival and mean my time in Austin is coming to a close. Work has already ramped up and pretty much taken hold of my life. Weekdays are for working, and the weekend is for resting. I hate that latter part, but truth is these past few weekends that is all I have felt like doing.

Working with SXSW reminds me a lot of working for Denver Film Festival in that it takes a hell of a lot of work and dedicated people to do it because it will take over your life and you will need to summon up all sorts of energy you may not be used to expending. This next month is going to be really interesting, and I am excited to see how I react to it. So far, I do enjoy that my days fly by, especially that I am really homesick and would like for time to pass quickly while I am here. But I did not take too well to the Denver Film Festival in that, I got sick of being around people real fast and would duck out at Barnes and Noble to escape quite often. I also got sick, which did not help.

I am not sure why I keep doing this for this blog, but I keep writing things and then deleting them because I guess I do not want anyone to get the wrong impression. So, what am I trying to say here? Give an update. I am homesick. Do I regret coming here? Not at all. Is this what I wanted in terms of work when I quit my job end of last year? Not exactly because I wanted a freer schedule and this is not really giving me that. But it has allowed me the chance to work in a different city (I almost wrote country, ha), see the enormity of this festival, and work in a new arena.

What keeps me going here is knowing it is only temporary. I could not see myself doing this job permanently. I am having struggles lately with finding purpose in corporate structures, money, and the way the world works. Is this what people say just before going off the grid?? I promise, I am not there yet, but I just…. I don’t know. Anyway, I am really grateful I had this chance to work here, but I am also really missing Adrienne and the mountains.

So, here I go. Diving head first into the next month, and going to come out of it with a new experience. If anything, I drive a hell of a lot now and have gotten much more comfortable with driving. I actually am planning a few road trips and am totally willing to drive. This is a HUGE change, just ask Adrienne, the one who drove most of the way to Chicago in 2016 because her sister did not want to drive.

To Meat, Or Not To Meat? That Is the Question

I have never talked much about this in past blogs, but I used to be vegan – twice. I think I stopped the second time in late 2015, or early 2016. I went vegan the first time after realizing my diet consisted mainly of beans and tofu anyway. I was looking back at my old blogs and laughed because in my Jaws movie review from 2010 (https://afreshtakeonfilm.wordpress.com/2010/10/11/56-jaws-1975/), I called myself an “animal-loving vegan,” which is probably the farthest thing from the truth and has never been the truth. Yes, I see there is a circle of life and spirituality to all living beings, but my reasons for going vegan never had to do with animals as far as I remember.

What did it have to do with then? Like I said, I prefer the taste of pinto beans over the taste of a Porterhouse steak. My friend asked me what my blood type was because I guess certain blood types crave meat more. I never did investigate which I was and where I fall on that barometer, but maybe that is the reason I could live without meat and not care. The thing that actually pulled me out of my vegan trance was eggs. I had a dream about eggs one night and immediately went to the grocery store that morning to get a dozen eggs. I listen to my body and though I was vegan for a good number of days in a row, I always said, “If I wake up and want an animal product, I will get it.”

Veganism is a lifestyle. I do not believe in, “Well, I am 95% vegan.” You either are or you are not. I mainly say that because there are people claiming to be vegan because…they want to appear like good animal lovers? Want to be in with their vegan friends? Want to be more “environmental” looking and sounding? No, either call yourself a mainly plant-based diet eating person or give up animal products completely. And honestly, who cares about a label? If calling yourself vegan is THAT important, I think you have another problem on your hands.

This may be one of the most opinionated pieces I have written in a long time. If I offend, leave me a comment. But back to the topic at hand – I am highly considering going back to a 100% plant-based diet. I am getting sick of the chicken and tuna I eat. It just is rubbing me the wrong way lately, and outside of that, and the occasional egg, I don’t even eat animal products. I went on a cruise this past December and everyday at lunch the only thing that appealed to me were the veggies, chickpeas, and red beans. What can I say? I am a bean-lovin, veggie freak. The thought of nut butter sandwiches, hummus, and tofu scramble everyday makes my mouth water.

The one thing I need to do differently this time is add variety. I do not do the fake soy products because a) I am gluten-free and most of those products are not, and b) I would rather eat real, natural food. I got into a rut of beans and tofu (which I know soy is not the best either when talking about natural food). I want to switch up my proteins, and dare I say…cook? Or at least prepare some hummus or rice paper veggie wraps. I have been watching a lot of #vanlife YouTube videos and lots of them are vegan and have “Here is what we eat in a day” videos. It all looks easy and tasty.

I did dabble in looking at raw veganism this time, but that, I can tell, is my black and white thinking. I would need to give up some of my staples – oats, rice, potatoes, beans – or sprout things, which requires no cooking. That is just too extreme for me right now and I know it. This is like when I went from meat eating straight to vegan and people asked, “Why didn’t you try being a vegetarian first?” Well because I am either all in or all out…in my head (I do not think we are ever one or the other in reality). I did not see the point of being a vegetarian since I don’t even like dairy products. But being a raw vegan could be a) costly and b) even harder to eat at restaurants. For now, I will just be vegan and reassess in a few months.

What is stopping me from doing it today, right now? I bought a few pounds of chicken and need to finish that first because I care more about wasting money than veganism. Maybe that makes me an insincere vegan, but then let the vegan Gods strike me down. I am also thinking about letting go of caffeine, which again could be the whole black and white thing. I love the taste, so I will not deny myself that – I am just so curious what it would be like for a month even without caffeine. I do not plan to do that one now because I heard it can be really tough to do any work and I need to stay on point at this job, but maybe once I get back to Denver and have some down time, I will give it a go. All I keep thinking as I write this is the line from ‘The Simpsons’ (which was ripped from ‘The Shining’), “No beer and no TV make Homer Go Crazy,” but mine is “No meat and no coffee make Diana Go Crazy,” but let’s hope not!

To Vlog or Not to Vlog…?

Well this has been a long time coming. I should have been clued into it as soon as I started doing Facebook Lives with my past job. I like being in front of the camera. I like talking about nonsense and making random videos. Marco Polo is quickly becoming my favorite app. I can send video messages, rather than text messages, to people. I am not huge on Skype because that requires a two-way conversation, but videos only require me talking to a phone, a camera, and hopefully to you and thousands of subscribers. But I am getting ahead of myself…

How do I do this? Do I need to buy a better phone? I am trying to upload this video from my phone into my google drive (because it is too big to send to my gmail) and it is not working, so apparently I may need to buy a better phone. Or maybe there is some other way to get phone videos onto my computer? Or maybe people just download these videos straight onto YouTube from their phone, never having to bother with a computer? How do I get subscribers? There are just so many things I need to investigate about vlogging. Plus, I am already trying to think how I could make it a “job” so to speak, or make some money off of it, which only increases the anxiety about getting subscribers + takes away from the fun of doing it.

What would my main objective be in vlogging? I would want to put out good content that could be helpful to others and fun to watch. My main objective would not be to make money off of it because then that just detracts from the fun I would have doing it and the fun you would have watching it. Anytime I hear a musician speak about making music and how they just like to get lost in making the music and enjoy putting on shows versus they only care about making a number one selling hit and a name for themselves, or hear an actor whose main goal isn’t to be Robert De Niro, but rather to make content they like and play characters that challenge them – that inspires me. Then I feel their work is really genuine because it is about doing what they love, not stroking the ego. Of course, being the next Jimi Hendrix or Robert De Niro will always be on one’s mind, but it does not need to be the thing driving a person or the end goal.

Life happens one step after another. Blogging has been so much fun for me and such a valuable writing tool. But now I want to expand. I also want to expand this blog so more can see it. I am going to look into paying for a domain name for this blog so more can see it. I had a random person comment recently on one of my older blogs about how I should do that, and you know what? I think it is a great idea, so thank you reader! That said, my video still has not transferred over into my google drive so I am going to need to look into this and then I will post this. No wait, nevermind. I would need to pay for that feature…okay more to come later.

Off to The Lone Star State

That photo is from the last time I was in Texas, circa 1990, to visit my half sister and her family. The only thing I remember is that red ants love corn, and that there were lots and lots of red ants in Texas. After watching ‘Hell of High Water’ last January, I had a strong desire to travel through Texas and find out if there really are restaurants in small Texas towns that only serve T-bone steaks and baked potatoes. And now I have my chance.

After a whole lot of thinking and talking about it, I quit my job at the end of last year (which I can say now since it is 2018). I did not feel like it was where I genuinely wanted to be anymore, and looking for another office job didn’t feel right either. So, I quit without a safety net aka another job. Yet, I had been applying to and reaching out to various festivals for contract work. Sundance got back to me, but with my Christmas holiday plans, I could not make it there in time. Seattle said maybe next year, and of all the jobs I applied to at SXSW, the only one that responded to me had less to do with the film aspect and more to do with content, streaming, and legal aspects of the entire festival. They seemed to like me in the interview, but would I meet the qualifications for a Commercial Content Coordinator? Exactly eight days after I quit my full-time job, I got an email at 4:30pm on a Friday that said yes, I met the qualifications and the job was mine if I wanted it. I nearly asked for time to think about it until my sister said, “Diana, this is why you quit your job, so you could do things like this.” I instead wrote back and accepted immediately.

I am headed to Austin on Thursday. I will be there for three months. Everything has just kind of fallen into place here. The day after I quit my job, I woke up and thought, “What the hell did I just do?” It was not a real feeling of regret; it was just fear. Where will I make money to live? What if I cannot make anything of myself? What if I end up wasting my free time? Am I doing enough to sustain myself? Should I be reaching out to more folks? Writing more articles? What am I not doing that I should be doing? But there was never any thought that me quitting the job itself was a bad idea, or bad career move. Then I got this job with SXSW and all the fears eased. And I don’t just mean in the sense that I will make some money, but in the sense that I need to trust I will find work. I am capable, qualified, and though I have no clue what will happen after these three months is up, I am not worried anymore. It’s kind of exciting.

It feels like it is happening really fast because I just got back from a vacation and have been sick a few days and now I just need to pick up and leave, but I know this is one of those things my head is making out to be a bigger deal than it is. It is not even three full months, and I will be super busy, and this is totally what I have wanted to experience – picking up and relocating for a bit. It’s harder because I do love Denver and living with Adrienne, but give me a couple weeks in Austin to acclimate myself and I will be fine. Especially when I see that in Denver it is 20 degrees while I am enjoying 60-70 degree temperatures. Hopefully I do get to see more parts of Texas while I am there, and stop over in a small town for some steak and potatoes. I will just need to decide which side I don’t want: corn or green beans?

Sunday Funday

Have I been writing a lot about anxiety? I feel like I may have, but it could just be that I am feeling it a lot lately and that’s why I think I talk about it non-stop, including here. I think last time I talked about social anxiety, which is nothing new, but this overall feeling of anxiety has been lingering now with me for two months…I think.

There are changes coming for me and it is not a bad anxiety, just uncomfortable. This will all be a little vague right now, especially that there is still a lot of unknown to me and man, that is uncomfortable. I like planning; I like knowing everything that is coming my way. This can be a helpful trait to some ends, and it can be very limiting in other areas.

If I chose my path in life, it would have limited me so much. I believe everything happens for a reason; I believe the universe decides my fate. My favorite expression: We plan and God laughs. I cannot mess with whatever the universe has in store for me, but that also does not mean I can sit on my hands and just wait for things to come. A friend reminded me of this today. I need to take action, and that’s always the pisser because I question every action I take – Is this right? Is this best? Am I trying to control things? Yada, yada, yada.

But this post is titled ‘Sunday Funday,’ which I only did to trick people into reading it. If you think it is about football, you read. If you think it is about anxiety, you don’t read. Just what my thoughts said, so I am sorry. I did not mean to be deceiving. To make up for it, here is a “fun” cartoon about anxiety, and life, I think folks can relate to. Go Bears!

 

Prized Possessions to a Minimalist

I was talking to Adrienne (sister) last night and she mentioned “being buried with” a certain possession of hers and it got me thinking, do I have anything in my life I would want to be buried with?

I could not come up with a single thing. No memento, no childhood item, no prized possession. To be fair, the item Adrienne mentioned is definitely more than just a “thing.” It contains memories and means a lot to her, but it is still an item, a possession. I think most people who know me would say, “Diana would probably want to take all her money with her” since I am such a pinchpenny and treasure cash, but that is not true. I hope I can either spend it all before I go or give away what I do not spend to someone who needs it.

The one thing that kept circulating through my mind as being important to me was relationships. I wish I could take all the good feelings I get from the relationships I have in my life with me, which is still super mind-boggling because if you ask me what is my biggest fear it is relationshipping with people. The vulnerability, the letting go of control, the intimacy. But those connections, when I let myself experience them, are amazing.

I listen to this meditation that is called something like “Exploring the Wilderness of Your Discomfort” and this one part says, “When you want to leave, stay one minute longer” and I always think about that when I am around people. My gut instinct when it is time to connect with another human being is “RUN!” Well, maybe not so dramatic, but more so like “walk away” or if I am in the conversation already, I think of how to end it. This is not constant and all the time, but there are definitely walls and barriers I contend with each day in my own intrapersonal line of communication that make relationshipping hard despite it being the greatest joy in my life.

So what is a prized possession to a minimalist? For me, it’s just things that are not material things. And I think that is what Adrienne means when she speaks of the thing she wants to take with her. It is not the “thing,” but rather the memory and value she places on it. Same with everyone else and their prized possession or material objects they “love.” It is whatever is behind it. Not trying to get philosophical – really just am trying to understand why human relationships scare me (and so many others) so much when they are what I (we) treasure the most.