I am finally doing it…

It has been exactly three months since I last posted a blog. I was living in Austin at the time, nearly done with work there, and about to drive to Chicago to spend a few weeks helping my mom at work. I felt like a shell of myself in a sense because the job had just zapped a lot out of me. I want to go back and delete that sentence because how cliché is “a shell of myself,” but I guess it was true. Just was not as happy as normal and I was also talking to myself a lot, according to my coworker.

I am back in Denver now, and have been for about two months. When people ask me about my time in Austin, or ask me how Austin was, I say, “Not for me.” I am happy to be back in the state that fits me in a way I have never felt before. But I am also now faced with the reality of not having stable work, and it is odd, but so lovely at the same time.

About five weeks ago, someone mentioned to me the book ‘The Artist’s Way,’ which I already owned and had brought back to Denver from my parent’s house. I decided to crack it open and really go for it this time. It is a 12-week (I think) course full of writing assignments designed to bring out your inner creativity and inner passion (or at least this was my impression/hope). So, for the last four weeks, I have religiously written three pages every morning about whatever the heck is going on in my head when I wake up. Sometimes I do this within 10 minutes of waking up, and other times it takes me a couple of hours because I wake up in the middle of the night and watch movies or something versus writing immediately.

I have been wanting to write daily for months…or years…and I am finally back at it again. It feels really good, and also feels really slow. I have come up with a couple of ideas – write a book and be an emcee. An emcee of what? I don’t know. I just know I like being in front of people with a microphone. Anyone who knows me intimately knows I come up with all sorts of ideas for my life that upon seeing what that lifestyle would really be like, I lose interest immediately. Actress, flight attendant, English teacher, detective, chef, nurse, film critic, and lady wrestler, which still sounds appealing to me. I am kind of notorious for changing my mind in the career field, but I know it is just because I want to find that one thing that doesn’t feel like work when I do it and I have yet to find that.

What I keep coming across over these past few weeks is that idea that if I put my wants out there in the universe, I will get a return on my investment. But I also need to believe I can get it. I am hoping writing helps me with what these wants are because I can be very detached from myself. I no longer believe I need to figure out my life, or the one thing that will make me happy, but rather just my next step. I mean, I am in a step of my life now, but also feel like I am in this in-between too. It’s interesting, and different, and pretty cool, though I do have weekly (or daily) moments of monetary freak outs, but that is more about faith than reality at this point. And if I ever do come to the point I need to honestly worry about that, I will send out a want to the universe for a sugar daddy or winning lotto ticket because that is how this whole law of attraction thing works, right?