Footprints

 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I was going to try to write a poem, but that’s not really my thing and it is a little cliche. You would want me to do my own thing because you did your own thing always. I have not had you in my life for a long time and you made it near impossible to find you unless you obscurely posted something on Facebook or appeared in the Skokie blotter that one time – something happened at Village Inn, but that’s all I remember. Anyway, you not being here anymore in the physical world affected me much more than I would have imagined. And since writing is my thing, here are my favorite memories of you:

Playing Tony Hawk on Dreamcast in your basement while drinking Slurpees and eating junk. The 7-11 guy knew us, the one on the corner of Oakton and Crawford. We did occasionally go to the one on Main to change it up.

Watching ‘The Warriors’ in Ken’s basement.

The first time I ever rode in your Cadillac. I got drunk at a nooner party at Cameron’s and blacked out. I woke up in Ernest’s house and we all eventually ended up in your car, driving to a hockey game. I had a crush on you and I think it was from that day that we officially started talking.

Getting into a car accident while driving with you and Lopes. I was driving and skidded on the rain. The very next day, you hit a car while I was with you. Your insurance people called my house and I had not told my parents about your accident, so they were royally confused. Wasn’t funny then, but now we can laugh about it.

Going to a Chicago Wolves game and it ended up being the championship game (you probably knew and I did not) and it went into triple overtime or something crazy. I was so tired, but it was really exciting.

Trying Kodiak dipping tobacco for the first time and getting it stuck all in my teeth yet continuing to do it because you always did.

Going to my one and only Blackhawks game where the final score was 0-0. So boring!

You called everything “gay” (thank you for that reminder Andrea).

Going to away hockey games and having to be in the same car as your smelly hockey bag. I remember your dad telling me how bad it would smell one of the first times I ever traveled with you all, and he was so not kidding.

Eating dinner at your house for the first time with your family. Your mom made dinner and it was just enough for that meal. I was so confused because in my house, having leftovers for days was a big thing and I did not understand the concept of making just enough food for one meal.

Making food at my house real late at night as we watched TV or movies in the basement. You really liked that cheese bread from Market Day that I baked in the oven and we could dip in marinara sauce.

You coming over after they cancelled classes at Oakton on September 11, 2001.

Spending hours with you at Ice Land either watching you work or drive the Zamboni or play hockey, though I think you rarely played there.

When I would get out of work as a camp counselor at Niles and drive to your house while listening to The Eminem Show. I cannot listen to that album without thinking about that summer.

Seeing you at Shiri’s New Year’s Eve party before we ever started talking and being so happy you showed up (that was around the time my crush began).

I know there are a lot more things we did together, shared together. I tend to block things out when I don’t want to feel them, which has resulted in me losing a lot of memories over the years about tons of different things. I talk to you a lot lately, don’t know if you can hear me but I think you can. I had not realized what a footprint you left in my life until this happened. I feel blessed that I was with you for those few years and got to know you and your family. It was a high school relationship, but my first significant, long-term relationship (and I have only had one other right after you that ended ten years ago). We went through a lot of emotional things together and I tried to forget it all, but this has definitely put me into a sort of time warp. I look at your picture daily, see your smile, and smile back. You take care Ed and I’ll be in touch.

Follow Up to: Not So Happy Camper

 

A couple weeks ago I was in Moab, and we had just gotten out of a movie. I wasn’t having a very good day internally and was really struggling with the thought that I would have to camp another five nights. We had just arrived the day before and the first night had not been bad at all, but I think the heat on Sunday afternoon got to me, and probably other internal elements that I couldn’t pinpoint at the time (fear, hunger, exhaustion). Going to the movie, which was a familiar setting for me and brought me comfort, helped a ton (as did the A/C in the building). When we got out, we still had yet to find a campsite and now that I think of it, that did not bother me too much so I think going to the movie was actually super helpful to my mood. Yet, it was after waking up on Monday morning that I noticed whatever I was feeling on Sunday had lifted and I no longer dreaded the next five days in the desert.

I don’t feel like I am being called right now to go over all the details of the trip for this blog. It was an awesome experience filled with lots of God shots and instances that I felt were challenging in a positive way. We did end up coming back a day early, which I am still finding myself trying to reconcile within. I was the one who really did not want to camp an extra night and sort of insisted we keep driving till we got to Denver. I am judging myself for this because to have two opposing thoughts – I loved this trip, but I want to go home – always leads to internal conflict for me. I want everything to be black and white. But if I have learned anything at all from my time on earth it is that things are not one or the other…EVER. This was my first long-ish camping trip and it exhausted me with all the newness, but it also enlivened me and helped me decide what my next major step in life will be.

And to my awesome camping companions, Raina and Jess, I only have one thing to say…YOSEMITE 2018!